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Off Topic You crack me up!


Franco
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Hey, we all love a good knee slapper now and again, so whenever you hear a priceless humdinger then come share it here for all of us to chuckle at.

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I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately

needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my

gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,

and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."

The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."

The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.

The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."

The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.

The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."

The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."

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I heard this but I've changed some words that I've forgotten so...

In a room there was;

A guy who liked beastiality

A guy who liked necrophilia

A guy who liked dominatrix

A gay guy

Beastiality Guy "If there was a cat in this room I'd rape it"

Necrophilia Guy "If there was a cat in this room I'd rape it, let it die and rape it again"

Dominatrix Guy "If there was a cat in this room I'd rape it, let it die and rape it again and whip it all at the same time"

Gay Guy "Meow"

Not the best or nicest of jokes but made me laugh.

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Hey everybody listen to this joke...

What does a Liverpool fan do after they win the league?

Turn off the Playstation and go to bed!

Actually its turn the Xbox off ;)

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You're trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an Arsenal Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the Arsenal Fan. Twice.

I love this joke

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You're trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an Arsenal Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the Arsenal Fan. Twice.

I love this joke

LOL! nice one Patrick.

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Three guys in a bar. One says "I think I'm the sexiest man in the world." Second one says "I think I'm the tallest man in the world." Last one says "I think I'm the ugliest man in the world. So they go to see if they can set the records. The first comes out and says "I was right, I am the sexiest." The second one comes out and says "I was right, I am the tallest." The last one comes out and says "Who the fuck is Declan Barry?"

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Three guys in a bar. One says "I think I'm the sexiest man in the world." Second one says "I think I'm the tallest man in the world." Last one says "I think I'm the ugliest man in the world. So they go to see if they can set the records. The first comes out and says "I was right, I am the sexiest." The second one comes out and says "I was right, I am the tallest." The last one comes out and says "Who the fuck is Declan Barry?"

HAHAHAHA :D

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Husband flicking through channels.

football..

porn..

football

porn..

Wife says "leave porn on you already know how to play football"

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I was reading some Tim Vine jokes earlier in my school libary. Looked like a right tit laughing to myself but oh well.

Here are my favourite jokes of his:

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are."

"I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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Three guys in a bar. One says "I think I'm the sexiest man in the world." Second one says "I think I'm the tallest man in the world." Last one says "I think I'm the ugliest man in the world. So they go to see if they can set the records. The first comes out and says "I was right, I am the sexiest." The second one comes out and says "I was right, I am the tallest." The last one comes out and says "Who the fuck is Declan Barry?"

HAHAHAHA :D

HAHA :lol:

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A boy walks into kitchen to find parents having sex, the dad looks at the boy and winks. that night the father finds the boy in his bedroom having sex with his nana, the boy rolls over, winks and says "not so funny when it's your mum is it"

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A boy walks into kitchen to find parents having sex, the dad looks at the boy and winks. that night the father finds the boy in his bedroom having sex with his nana, the boy rolls over, winks and says "not so funny when it's your mum is it"

Strange, just seen this group on facebook about a 100 times over the past month :) still funny though lololol

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Man walks into elevator.

Blonde: T-G-I-F

Man: S-H-I-T

Blonde (Confused): T--G--I--F

Man (Slowly): S--H--I--T

Blonde: T-G-I-F means Thank God It's Friday

Man Giggles: Sorry Honey It's Thursday!

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What's the difference between an Arsenal fan and a chicken?

The chicken doesn't scream in the oven.

What's the difference between an Irish girl* and a taxi driver?

The taxi driver only lets in four at a time

*I'm Irish

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